Jack and the Samurai Pizza Cats
by dionysianDaydream
Summary: Jacks stumbles across a peaceful city, but knows that it cannot last so long as Aku is at large. After gaining the trust of the city's resident heroes - the legendary Samurai Pizza Cats - a suspicious beatnik shows up to take Speedy's job in lieu of his sudden disappearance, while a prophecy that will surely spell the end for Little Tokyo threatens to be fulfilled!
1. Prologue: Hope on the Horizon

A lone traveler garbed in a white kimono, and nothing else but a sword, his sandals, and a sun hat on his person, halts before reaching the top of a hill.

Ever hesitant to see what lay just ahead, Jack recalled the horrors he'd witnessed thus far, and with a deep breath braced himself for another vantage point overlooking a city held in the iron grip of the evil demon Aku or else one that lay in ruins after somehow evoking his wrath, which was by no means a difficult feat.

Instead, to the relief of the samurai who had grown somewhat pessimistic from his many experiences – never having any clue about what new trials awaited him at every wrinkle in the fabric of time – when he reached the top of the hill, a seemingly ordinary city sprawled out in view before him.

"No…it cannot be!" Samurai Jack could not help but exclaim aloud.

The city boasted several of the multi-story pagodas he had only ever seen before in his homeland, connected by a network of dirt roads that bustled with life and no indication of Aku's presence: not a single billboard announcing his supremeness, giant statue created in his image, or squad of sentry bots maintaining his control over the populace in sight.

A gentle breeze swept over Jack's face as he stood at the top of the hill stricken with disbelief, bringing with it his first whiff of this new destination. It smelled of recently cooked food, prompting the samurai to consider when was the last time he was graced with a hot meal.

The wind smelled of hope to the battle weary samurai, as well as garlic and melted if not slightly burned cheese over piping hot tomato sauce.


	2. Chapter 1: Lunch Hour Blues

To Speedy Cerviche, it smelled just like any other day at the Pizza Cat Restaurant. He was sitting at one of the booths, gnawing on a fishbone as he anxiously watched Francine take a particularly large order over the phone.

"Mreeeow," Speedy yawned. "Sure wish I was John Travolta in Pulp Fiction right about now – someone put a fucking bullet in my head already, fam."

"Thirty large pepperonis? Where's the party and why wasn't I invited?" Speedy could hear Francine say. "Apologies, sir, I didn't mean to make you feel indicted…"

"No worries, dearie," the hooded figure on the other end of the phone conversation (so that you can't recognize him) reassured her with an obviously made-up old lady voice. "Just make sure those pizzas make it to this dark alleyway in the bad part of town while they're still hot…kekeke."

"I hear you loud and clear – no need to plead!" Francine said cheerily. "Either you get your order while it's still hot, or your money back guaranteed!"

"Kekeke…my greatest adversaries provide such excellent customer service!"

Francine had her ear away from the phone during that part, so she remained oblivious to the nefarious machinations that were at play. "A large Pepsi, you said?"

"Y-y-yes…that is exactly right!"

"Boring, but it could be worse." Speedy turned his attention to the front register. "I could be running the register, or watching Manos Hand of Fate."

Polly Ester was talking a beaver who was treating his manager to lunch through the menu one listing at a time, as the latter could not seem to make up his mind.

"Okay, how about the pasta bowl?" Polly groaned audibly, her lack of formal customer service training shining through as she was being pushed to her limit. "It's got a lot of cheese and sometimes the noodles aren't submerged properly during the cooking process so they come out all hard and crunchy, but it's not the worst thing ever."

"A pasta bowl!" The beaver exclaimed. "Doesn't _that_ sound delicious, sir?"

The middle-aged pig boss bore a stoic expression that was impossible to read, as he stroked his wart covered chin as though he were in a deep thought about the intricacies of a well prepared pasta bowl.

Polly rolled her eyes, sensing the growing irritation of the other customers waiting in line, and possessing a severe distaste for ass-kissing, ineffectual men besides. Fortunately for her, an unexpected hero fell down from the ceiling to occupy the other cash register!

"I've never been so happy to see a crow before in my life."

Bad Bird grinned, which made the flesh around his snake bites hurt like hell, thus causing him to frown. "Since it's the rush hour, I'll let that potentially racial remark slide even though it's the current year, and society dictates that I be offended by any and all mentions of race regardless of the context."

Polly Esther rolled her eyes. "Cut it out…and get these monkeys off my back!"

A pair of monkeys in the line most notable for their matching choice in footwear (Doc Martens) raised their hands.

"Excuse me, but did you just assume our species?"

The reformed evil henchman ninja crow wasted no further time with pointless trivialities. He tied a white bandana around his forehead as a sign that he meant business and declared loudly:

"Try our pasta bowl! Guaranteed to amaze with its artful combination of a truly sumptuous triad of cheeses: parmesan, cheddar, and mozzarella, and the best marinara sauce produced on-site using freshly grown tomatoes stolen from an unsuspecting neighbors backyard garden, encapsulated within a delectably crunchy garlic bread crust, baked to perfection by our unique but experienced chef, who dedicates every ounce of his soul to you with each and every dish he prepares..."

Bad Bird cleared his throat to suppress a smirk before finishing, as everyone in the restaurant looked on in awe.

"…especially when it comes to pasta bowls, a personal favorite of Chef Anchovy's."

The pig boss nodded approvingly. "Sounds exquisite! My associate here would like to order five!"

Polly and the restaurant patrons fell over like all anime characters and indeed real life human beings with a healthy respect for the time-honored classics such as Samurai Pizza Cats do, in response to a gag moment.

"Chef" Guido Anchovy was never fond of his new role in the restaurant to begin with, but a recent craze in New Tokyo for food _not_ produced by advanced machinery and spat out unto a conveyor belt had forced the administration to make some changes. To that affect, he was particularly poor at preparing pasta bowls, which of course Bad Bird already knew hence the 'Bad' that still lingered in his name.

The majority of the new orders surging in, needless to say, were greatly influenced.

"Francine's been on the phone taking an order for like an hour and now I've got to make all these bread bowls?" Guido said, and sighed. "Cheese Louise!"

Francine could be heard rhyming her polite goodbyes before hanging the phone back on the receiver in the next room over.

Unaware of the pasta induced trauma Guido was suffering, she came into the kitchen, humming, with a bound scroll in hand.

"Polly, Bad Bird, I'll take the register because I need you both in the kitchen," Francine said calmly, and waited until they did so before letting the scroll come unbound and appropriately freaking out, "if this order's ever going to get finished, we'll all have to pitch in!"

Even Speedy couldn't manage to stay asleep through the cacophony that ensued. "Unnecessary, ill-fitting movie reference," he grumbled, rubbing his eyes.


	3. Chapter 2: The Owl's Prophecy

Samurai Jack was no stranger to lands primarily inhabited by anthropomorphic animals, but never before had he felt so estranged among them as he took his first few steps through the ornate front gates unopposed by the soldiers posted there, but for their curious if not wary glances.

Businesses from bathhouses to inns and restaurants lined the road, with open doors. A scruffy, dirt covered farmer goat with a heaping bag of grain slung over his shoulder walked among dainty maidens in kimonos giggling amongst themselves or harassing their equally richly dressed suitors, salary men in tidy business suits intent on making the most efficient use out of their lunch break possible, all constantly preyed upon by roadside vendors desperate to sell anything from hastily cooked squid and freshly picked pineapples, to sandal repair work and questionable discount dental services.

An owl wearing what Jack recognized to be traditional priest's garb was sitting cross-legged on the side of the road, to which he instinctively removed his sun hat and offered a bow. At once, he felt foolish for doing do so without any knowledge of the local customs, so baited was he by the city's resemblances to his homeland. For all that Jack knew, he may have just accidentally issued a death threat!

To his delight; however, the old owl returned the courtesy with a warm smile.

"Such a polite young man," the old owl mused.

"Enlightened one, could you tell me the name of this place?"

"I am _enlightened_ enough, I should think, to inform you that have found yourself in Little Tokyo," The monk said with a laugh, then paused to clasp his hands and bow his head once more, as if to offer Jack a silent prayer.

"Little Tokyo? Does that mean there is also a Big Tokyo?"

The monk simply shrugged – truly the world may never know, and certainly not from reading this piece of high art.

"In any case, I'd advise you to not stay here for long."

"Oh…? Jack said, already thinking this could mean only one thing, and that there was more to his new, uncommonly peaceful surroundings than meets the eye after all.

"Listen well, for a vision of a great evil soon to sweep over the land came to me last night, and I take it that if you are wise enough to respect your elders, you will heed my warning."

Jack inclined his head forward slightly – to serve as a nod and a show of his piqued interest.

"An evil on a scale like nothing I ever imagined before!" The owl rotated his head sharply at each emphasized point of his recollection, as he went on: "An intense _heat_ shook my entire body as an image appeared of our finest warriors _retching_ as though stricken with deadly poison, and then the _townspeople_ as they littered the streets; inconsolable, all while a _black demon_ watches…laughing…"

Jack clutched the hilt of his sword in its sheath. "Aku!"

The monk bowed with his hands clasped once again. "Bless you, traveler!"

A carriage drawn by a down on his luck horse pulled up behind Jack, and at this point the monk rose.

"Please, join me." The monk said as he walked with Jack to greet the carriage, and sighed wearily. "I have tried to warn them, but none will listen when I try to tell them how hopeless the situation is."

Jack returned his sun hat to its rightful place, tipped in such a way that it concealed his stoic gaze. "I believe you."

Running away from the onslaught of evil was antithetical to the central purpose of his journey – for wherever there was the presence of evil, there was sure to be Aku.

The potential coolness of the moment is ruined by Jack's stomach growling.

Jack was so hungry that his thoughts momentarily drifted away from Aku. The monk, before boarding, was generous enough to provide Jack with directions to a certain teahouse.

"Be careful, samurai!" The owl said as the carriage rolled away. "Some evils in this world are impossible for us mere mortals to resist!"

The owl monk's last words echoed in Jack's memory as he sat at the bar of the ultra-hip and modern 'Counting Sheep' teahouse, brooding over a glass of iced green tea.

"Oh, my…is the tea not to your liking, sir?"

Jack glanced up from his drink to meet the eyes of the sheep Lucille, blushing and twiddling her fingers together nervously.

"No, the tea is lovely," Jack said, pausing to take a long sip. Truth be told, he still preferred his tea to be hot, but was too preoccupied with more pressing matters to talk about it. "I met a monk at the front gates, who told me that a great evil was bound for this city."

"Evil?" Lucille said, with far less concern that the samurai expected out of seemingly the most innocent of innocent civilians. "Not as long as the Samurai Pizza Cats are here to protect us."

"Samurai…pizza…cats?" Jack repeated aloud, after all that he'd endured only now questioning what his life had become.

Suddenly, a flash of movement whizzed by on the road, throwing up a cloud of dust in its wake.

Jack rose with his sword drawn. "What was that?"

"Speak of the devil…"

Jack flashed back to the time when the owl monk said 'black devil,' whilst crooking his head to its utmost maximum. The samurai swung at the thin air with his blade.

"Devil!? Where is it?"

Lucille, in a fit of stress, released a barrage of explosive missiles from her hairpiece which, in total: killed a cockroach and the sloth he was going through great pains to eject from his taxi, reduced an entire family of chickens into boxes of Kid Cuisine dinosaur-shaped chicken tenders with brownies and corn, and blasted a hole through the wall of the Little Tokyo Prison yard, miles away.


	4. Chapter 3: The Advent of Chaos

The life of a pizza delivery cat is a double-edged sword – on the one hand, Speedy would have a lot of down time, and never have to worry about being dragged into the kitchen or manning a register. On the other hand, there would be times when he was required to deliver thirty large pepperoni pizzas, five boxes of spicy Buffalo wings, three servings of garlic bread, and two large Pepsis in one trip, all of them haphazardly piled together in a jet-propelled pizza delivery wagon.

"Geez, this place is giving me some serious slasher movie vibes," Speedy said to Francine through his walky-talky as he arrived at the drop zone.

"No one else has told you yet, Speedy, but cut it out with the pop culture references," Francine said. "This isn't an Anime dub from the '90s anymore, you know."

Speedy winced, not because of the insult, but rather due to the shock of Francine not cutting a rhyme for a single, solitary sentence. Nevertheless, he could still feel eyes on him as he wove his way through a path made treacherous by piles of bloated garbage bags infested with rats who were likely all connected to the Italian mob in some way or another, the thought of which reminded him of the movie Goodfellas.

The urge for him to vocalize a movie reference, despite Francine's advice, was simply too strong.

"Geez, if only Little Tokyo's Public Sanitation Department…could run as smoothly as that…track…shot from—"

A pair of talons clasped around his mouth suddenly, and to his detriment do so, just before he could finish indulging in his carnal urge to refer to a thing that happened in an intellectual property with immeasurably more worth than the one he exists in.

"Looks like you're late…I take back what I said about your customer service earlier!"

'Green Bird' from the Cowboy Bebop OST starts to play in the background, as a cloth was pressed against Speedy's nose and mouth, carrying with it an overpowering citrusy aroma.

Speedy's entire body went numb just as soon as he recognized the scent.

The last thing he saw, through fluttering eyelids before going unconscious, was a pack of rats that had scrambled out of their trash mounds and began to shoot at one another with their little tommy guns, in contest of the disavowed delivery wagon. The high-pitched squeaks and squeals of those slain were a terrifying thing to behold; enough to stick with a cat for the rest of his nine lives…

Green Bird fades out, as we are left with the dramatic shot of a black feather for some reason, and perhaps several questions.

Francine slammed her walky-talky against the counter and tried to establish a connection with him again, but there was only dead silence as the Pizza Cats crew huddled together in the kitchen, watching with bated breath.

"Looks like someone caught the _cat's_ tongue this time," Guido said. The others simply glared at him until he slinked away, as unamused as any sane person would be by a cheesy cat pun.

Police and ambulance sirens blared outside – first responders to the chaos that ensued as a result of Lucille's aforementioned accidental prison break. All manner of murderers, arsonists, bandits, and Mormons were turned loose, and before long started wreaking havoc across the entire city because that's how generic criminals in children's shows operate.

The Samurai Cat crew's first exposure to this came in the form of a blue hedgehog retiree bursting through the doors with frantic expression, only to be felled by a hatched thrown to the back of his head.

"No shirt, no shoes, no service!" Francine said, pointing to the assailant. "Nice of you to get blood all over my floor – it's totally not like I just had this place refurbished!"

Standing in the door way was a raccoon dude with fresh blood sprayed across his bare chest and noh theater mask, upon the forehead of which was scrawled 'God,' so he will henceforth be referred to as Edgy Idiot.

"Is it Purge time again already?" Polly said.

Bad Bird whipped out a handgun and shot at Edgy Idiot until he dropped, then casually threw the gun away, to never be seen nor heard from again, I _guarantee_ you.

"No one saw me with a gun today," Bad Bird said, to which Polly discretely responded with a gang sign.

"…anyway, since Speedy's gone, that makes me the leader," Guido said as he lunged over the front counter and started for the door. "I say we forget about lunch hour! The city needs us—"

The hordes of customers formed a wall to block him off.

"I mean, let's be sure to fill our valuable customer's orders so they'll have enough energy to defend themselves out there on the wastes of what was once civilization…hahaha…"

Francine was torn. On the one hand, as the manager of the establishment she couldn't possibly turn away so many hungry, visibly non-health conscious customers under any circumstances, but to see Guido and the others as they shuffled back into the kitchen with their tails between their legs, metaphorical and physical alike, she knew that it was her responsibility as their friend to act.

Quickly seizing the intercom microphone, she announced before the first spark in an oven rekindled: "Pizza Cats and Birds get to the launcher, a horde of happy customers I alone shall conjure!"

Everyone started clapping, just like they do in those Tumblr posts about kids who stand up to the supposedly outdated worldviews of their elders at toy stores. Even Edgy Idiot, whose lifeless body that was still splayed out across the floor and oozing blood from multiple fatal bullet wounds, was temporarily reanimated just so he could join in.


End file.
